It's been a while.
I still hate you. A lot.
I haven't forgotten, but this isn't a place to express hate.... oh wait, yes it is. Well, on top of you failing so hard I had to find elsewhere to blog, hello Internet. How are you?
Unless you follow me on Twitter, or Instagram, or have me on an instant mobile messenger app, you probably haven't heard much from me. I've been doing alright I guess. Fluctuating between emotions and just, overall life situations, really. I believe last where we left off, I was living in Toronto and was in a relationship.
First thing is first; People are complicated as hell, and understanding the opposite sex as well as you own can be troublesome. As such, relationships can be very, very complicated. In my case, although I made it out to sound swell through a series of paragraphs and text, it was fairly complex. Over that time, I can to understand its cryptic nature, for which I undermined and took for granted. I was wrong; guilty of overlooking the obvious and behaving as oblivious, i brushed off my problems to the side and lived in a mentally fictitious and illogical utopia of the mind. In summation, the relationship didn't end well, but it didn't end poorly either; I still talk to her from time to time and are considerably friends (from what I can understand, at least).
In relation to emotional issues, as well as those regarding relationships, I thought it would be a great idea to move back to Florida, to recoup my thoughts and just over all self. I, was wrong. Oh so terribly wrong. You see, the move was meant to be temporary; I had no intention of staying with my parents (they're the ones who live in Florida) for longer than 6 months tops. I ended up staying at said location for just about 2 years (1 year, 10 months to be exact) while working as a Barista at Starbucks. Florida made me feel more miserably than alone; there was no one there I could relate to, and found myself a majority of the time, surfing the internet looking for someone I can relate to. It was a fairly lonely experience, and since I arrived without any real goals or aspirations, the money I made working was spent on food, electronics I didn't need, or alcohol to fill the void, instead of saving for something. It was (sadly) only until after a year and a few months have gone by that I realized I need to be elsewhere, which was when I decided to move back to Toronto.
"I was doomed, and convinced, that I was going to be alone, and after a good point in time, I was ok with that. I was used to that."
I started saving my money; putting a larger amount of my earnings into a savings account whilst planning carefully on how I would move, when I would move, and more importantly, where I would move. This was all done with plenty of distractions along the way. My emotions never really settled; they kept alternating between their natural bipolar states, and my interest in certain people grew more and more diverse, yet at the same time, my imminent hate for all man kind grew as well. There were girls, and there were temporary happy periods, followed by those sulking in melancholy artwork and writing morose poetry, which I used to vent out my sadness. I was doomed, and convinced, that I was going to be alone, and after a good point in time, I was ok with that. I was used to that. It was just then where I began to be ok with myself as well as my surroundings. I accepted anything that came my way, whether it was the fact that I might be happy again, or that I might die feeling bitter and alone. I was ok with those things. As time flew by, more more did that become just a part of who I was and less and less of a "realization" of what was happening to me.
Come late winter of 2012, I've decided to move to Toronto and I was feeling anxious to move. It's been a while at that point, since I have transitioned locations and I was as excited as I was nervous. However, as most things in my life take drastic turns for the worst, or rather, the unexpected, this situation was no different. I realized that the individual whom I decided to room with upon my arrival, was being less active about apartment hunting due to the cold nature of their surroundings. As November came and went, so did my motivation and eagerness. I decided, whether I move or not, all this thinking about my future, my life, and my present status was depressing me and bringing me down. Ironically, usually when I'm in this state of mind, my immediate "solution" would be to escape. To get away. I would use this as an excuse to travel, which is something I enjoy doing. So instead of travelling somewhere I'm more or less familiar with, I decided to take the opportunity and visit a friend I've known since returning to Florida. Little did I know that this was the point in my life where everything will begin to change and alternate at such a rate, this I'd currently deem as more stressful and complicated that anything I've ever gone through.
"At first I took it as if it were a joke, but once I realized that this was a legitimate offer, I began asking questions. Assessing the possibility at hand."
Working full-time shifts, as well as overtime allowed me to maintain my monetary aspirations at a logical stance, but regardless of my labor hours I was excited to soon be out of Florida. I was antsy. It was at this point that I planned and purchased a plane ticket to take off about a week before the end of January, just to be safe. It was mid-December and I simply couldn't wait. I was nervous; I haven't been back to that area since I was 17. Day after day, the same mundane routine proceeds me, until finally, new years arrives. New years day was the day which changed my direction from moving to Toronto, to moving to Montreal. The time was 3 hours prior to midnight, and I was skype chatting with one of my friends from Montreal. I haven't spoken to them since I last lived in Toronto, so I was explaining how I'm actually moving back there since I hated living in Florida. It was upon receiving this information to which she responded with a, "Oh you should totally move here instead" type of statement. At first I took it as if it were a joke, but once I realized that this was a legitimate offer, I began asking questions. Assessing the possibility at hand. As far as she told me, I had all my bases covered upon moving here and there wasn't going to be an issue simply living in Montreal for a while until I find an apartment in Toronto. So, the plan has now become to move to Montreal for a couple of months (I estimated approximately three) then proceed to Toronto as originally planned. I figure since I was closer to my initial goal, location wise, it would be less of a struggle than to be in Florida. She then asked me when I could possibly move in, and i told her the first of the following month, so in this instance, that would indicate February.
After the adrenaline simmered and I came to realize how quickly everything was moving, my excitement quickly turned to panic. I realized that I'm moving a lot sooner than I thought I would, so that means I have to act quick. The tasks at hand required me to contact potential employers in Montreal to obtain a transfer or at least a job as soon as I move. It was there that I was having difficulty contacting a lot of places due to unreliable long distance. This should have been a pretty blatant red flag, but for one reason or another, I chose to ignore it. This move made my mundane routine a thing of yesteryear, and it felt somewhat good, knowing things are changing. I hoped for the better. So much time has gone by at this point that I completely forgot about the trip I initially planned to get away during my stressful times. Even more stressful, this plane was to depart a week before my initial move. The excitement came back. I was ready to venture off one last time before I had to "buckle down" for sure in Montreal.
This trip, that I took before my move. It changed everything. To understand how, you'd need understand me as well as the detail. As much as I would like to share that aspect of my life, I can't. Perhaps not just yet. There's a lot of times where I have in the past, and retrospectively, it engraves such memories on more than just one medium. I'd rather have this stay with me, in my head, until I'm ready along with everything else, to expose it out publicly. All I can really say, is that I was completely unaware at that point, how much that "Vacation" was going to dictate everything that happens afterwards.
Fast-forward through my trip, I came back upset, because I had so much fun that coming back to reality was a bit of a drag. Now it was time to pack. Everything. I had to go out and purchase some new luggage, big enough to stuff the largest of items in. On top of which having to do my laundry and clean certain belongings I wanted to take with me. The entire time, however, I was distracted. Again, by my emotions. My biggest fear of being in that state of mind again, was coming back to haunt me. No longer was I used to being alone. No longer was I ok with being with just myself. Suddenly, everything sucked and nothing was good. Despite my move coming up soon and a new life awaiting me, all I could think about, was anything but that. It didn't hit me until much later, that things will be very different in Canada. Different to the point where there are a lot more restrictions on certain things, like internet. Cellphone providers weren't that great either. Realizing this made me more sad, and slowly started creeping back into a depression, but couldn't fully immerse in that sadness. Something was keeping me up. Something was holding me back from falling to deep. It was the very shovel that helped me dig a hole and strapped me in the ditch. As far as I was concerned, It was just me and the shovel. Although, there were many times where I doubted the shovel even existed, and it was only myself.
"Being on the plane, and even driving through the streets of Montreal, it didn't phase me how quickly everything just happened."
I'm on a plane, flying to Montreal. I had no idea what was going to happen, if I was to get stranded. Nothing. My mind was in full panic mode, and parts of my legs and arms were shaking like a freezing chihuahua. It was unnerving the more I thought about it. I over think at times. This was one of those times. Amongst all the thought, one idea was most prevalent; All I wanted to do is obtain an internet connection, anything to communicate with someone. Not just someone. Someone. Being on the plane, and even driving through the streets of Montreal, it didn't phase me how quickly everything just happened. Even my roommate was psyched out as to how I could "just pick up and go" (her words, not mine). It didn't actually hit me until day 2 of the entire experience, that I realized things are going to be way different. Diverse in the sense that I couldn't predict what were to happen next. I just wasn't sure. It made me uneasy.
For the First month in Montreal, I did more exploring than working. I had enough money to last me a little while, but only a little. I knew in the back of my mind, if I wanted to stay here, I needed a job, asap. So the first thing I did was venture off to a local Starbucks store, and attempt to transfer. Then came the question I've slowly learned to hate, "How good is your French?" It's terrible. You happy? because I'm not. This was the only reason as to why no one would take me as a transfer. It was around mid-February that I realized I should have done more research before moving here. I was informed that I didn't need French to work here, so I tried my best at finding the places that didn't need it. At this point, it sadly felt very impossible. Every place I went through, all asked me the same question, and/or variations of that question. It was dreadful and I hated being turned down because of a language I no longer speak. It was approaching the end of Feb, and I realized I can't keep digging out of my funds or else I'll have nothing left. It was then that I started thinking of back up plans, deciding on moving yet again. This was not fun.
Then something crazy happened.
I decided I needed to act fast and find a solution for myself before it was too late. I packed my laptop and phone and charging cables all into my backpack, put on appropriate winter clothing, and set out into the unknown. Well, not really, I went to the nearest starbucks to bum off their wifi. At this location, I popped open craigslist, and for the next 4 hours browsed any and all available jobs in the area. The verdict: nothing. the choices were as empty as promises made by someone you loath. It was terrible, and I had become fairly depressed. I had also become rather hungry in the process. On my walk back to my apartment, I noticed something that definitely wasn't there before; I have a great enjoyment for korean food, so upon my arrival, that's all I tried googling. So obviously, once I saw a korean restaurant right near my place, I figured I scored pretty big. To some extent, I kind of did.
"I just knew that some part of me wanted to say something, and potentially perpetuate a conversation without cause."
As I walked in the venue, I couldn't think of anything but food. My other thoughts seemed to have taken a vacation of their own. Only temporarily though. As I sat, I ordered 불고기 instead of 비빔밥, regardless of dish, I was still very hungry. The waitress sat on the table in front of me, seemingly working on some school work. As I ate, and came closer to finishing, something subconsciously was telling me to talk to her. I'm not sure whether it was because she looked like someone I knew from a long time ago, or the fact that I had no one else to ask at the time. Perhaps it could be that I haven't had actual human interaction in a long time. I just knew that some part of me wanted to say something, and potentially perpetuate a conversation without cause. So after I finished all my food, I did just that. I got her attention, and asked her "where the closest korean hair salon" is. She looked confused and said she didn't know. It was then when I proceeded to explain that I was new in the area and was just curious if there was any place she'd recommend me I check out. After a series of meaningless questions, we got into a useless introductory conversation of sorts.
"I came out of nowhere, knowing nothing about nothing..."
As this conversation progressed, I brought up my current state. The fact that I was depressed and jobless made things less enjoyable for me living in Montreal. She had a very naive attitude towards most things I said, but she seemed very eager, if not excited to help me out. I wasn't sure what she had in mind, besides recommending me to a bunch of people she knows that do what I want to do, with illustration and computers and such. She then offered that I work at the restaurant, but not "officially" since they recently opened and don't have the funds to pay me much. Considering I wasn't doing anything productive with my time anyway, I gladly agreed, and she talked it over with her brother. Her brother manages the place and is generally helped out by friends as well as family to run the restaurant. I came out of nowhere, knowing nothing about nothing, and started to do small cleaning tasks, while also helping them with the technical aspect of the business. I helped design their menus, to their website, and helped manage their social networks as well.
It was around this time, things began looking up. Although he said he wasn't able to pay me much, I was able to make just enough for rent, as well as other fees that managed to intrude my calm, zen, vibe. Based on very little, I was able to make it by for that month, and then some. I had a lot fun that month and learned more than I have the previous month. For once, everything felt normal again. Time flew by so quickly, it was crazy to think I was with the restaurant people for a month already. I was hoping to continue, but then I made a choice that would surely escalate and change things in my future. I decided to take the entire first week of April off, to go elsewhere; to go back. I needed to. It's been too long at this point and I just needed that bit of happiness to complete everything in full-circle. I felt it was the right thing to do. For me. To keep me sane.
"I was back where I started. Back in panic mode, where all I could think is what to do now, and how do I manage to get myself out of this one."
Skipping ahead to me coming back approximately 2 weeks later, when I initially planned to leave for only one week, I was greeted with the harsh reality that is life. There were only two more remaining days in the month, and I was broke and wasn't confident I could make rent that month. On top of that, I had other expenses I needed to take care of. Things went from being really shitty, to really awesome, to really REALLY awesome, to just as equivalently shitty as the awesome i had. It was pretty awesome, so in turn i felt lower that low. Shittier than shit. It was a terrible feeling and all I wanted to do was die. I was back where I started. Back in panic mode, where all I could think is what to do now, and how do I manage to get myself out of this one. To no bore you with ALL the details which took place during this time, I'll cut to the end of that month, which just ended in me asking my parents for additional funds for rent. They gave me the money, along with a "what my plan" kind of questions. They were intimidating strings of thought, but I knew I had to face them one way or another.
All of that ultimately boils down to present time. It's time again, Internet. It's time to venture off into the unknown to see where life takes us this time. I honestly don't know what's going to happen in the next two months, let alone the remainder of 2013. What I do know is that who ever I am on the stroke of midnight on December 31st, 2013, is the result of either ultimate and imminent change, easily view-able from the mediums of the internet, OR a result of nothing. Perhaps I'm exactly as I am now. Who's to say that these old habits will die any time soon. They should though. They're currently on death row. I need to change. For the better. To be better. To be happier. In the end, isn't that what we all want? in the end, we have no one else but ourselves.
Now if you'll excuse me, I need to shower, eat some ramen noodles, and head over the the restaurant I mentioned earlier. They still need my help and I see no reason to let them down while I'm still here.
See you in another recap, Internet!
- L
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