Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Post 27: Fuck my Life

Why? why must this always happen to me? i hate this. i hate this all. Why must this hurt so much. my chest feels like it's on fire. about to explode. about to burst. I don't know what else to do. I'm just hurt right now. words piercing through me like a thousand swords. haven't felt this much pain in quite a long time. i wish i wasn't so vulnerable. wish i wasn't so frail. so weak. my body is breaking down. like i have been crushed by a giant stone. the pain doesn't stop either. it has no mercy. I'm typing this as I'm feeling it, its hard to concentrate on typing. now shes questioning everything about me. like we first met. the pain continues. i dont know what to do. i just feel like freezing up and dying. why me?! why must this happen all the time? am i really so undeserving of someone so special? should i just die alone? am i deemed for eternal depression? why must i disappoint everyone?

...

someone please,
just kill me.

Monday, June 1, 2009

Post 26: Uneasy Fixation

It's been a while, as usual. Then again, what else is new? Not too much has happened since I've last blogged. I guess all I can say at this point is that my mind tends to wander off more often than it used to. No, not like I'm distracted, really. Simply... off my normal pace of thought. It as if I have contracted a severe case of A.D.D. I don't know how else to describe it. And aside from that, I've been feeling uneasy and depressed lately. Almost as if something is going to happen. Something I'm not going to like. Heh, funny. Now that I think about it, It's almost as if I can observe my life from a far and spectate as someone watching some ridiculously scripted Asian drama.

Well, I suppose on to the updates of my life that no one seems to care much for. STILL looking for a second job. Honestly, I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Ive gone the most of the procedures, and out of all that I've been through, I have gotten one little interview which didn't even help me. Honestly, I have just accepted death at this point and feel like dying. I'm not prone to suicide nor will i ever be, but if something happens, then it happens. And if I get saved then I'll think of it as a second chance. But all this burden and constant anxiety... I try to forget it; I try to ignore it all. The thing with me is that I can't force myself to believe a lie, no matter how much I try. For some odd reason, I find comfort in the truth, despite how much more trouble that can bring someone.

In other news, I'm planning on practicing my writing skills and writing fictional stories with parts of my life included. Thing is I will place different name for characters that I know existed in my life and so on, so you wouldn't even be able to tell it was from my life! kekeke. It's going to be a secret blog though, And I don't know when I'll make it... I guess whenever I feel like it! hehe..