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Why. why does love do this to me... Just tears me apart from everything else. I feel like I lost it today. Lost the one I love.. I dont even know why.. It just hurts me. A lot. I dont even know what it is. Everything is just so blurred. I dont know what to do. I feel like i just fell, or was dropped, somewhere, in the unsuspecting abyss that is my heart. It's empty.. It only knows one thing. And that's her. I dont understand... Maybe.. humans are indeed difficult creatures to trust. Theres nothing I can do or say anymore... Im powerless. I dont know, if shes gone... or she will come back. Tonight, i dont feel like sleeping. Theres no more point to sleeping, no more point to anything anymore.. without her, theres nothing for me. And as much as that doesnt logically make sense, thats what my mind is forced to think. There's no denying it.. she meant a lot to me. still does. her words rip through me like damp, wet paper.. Everything she says i take in with such meaning, despite that i know, logically, shes being ridiculous. I dont know. I dont know anything anymore.. Whats the point of work, whats the point of getting up early? whats the purpose of life if you can't even enjoy it? I want to. I want to enjoy it with her. All i ever wanted, was just to be happy. With her, I was. I now feel as if that is fading... and now I am no longer left with anything to hold on to. Nothing but my useless self. I'm not contemplating suicide, but death sounds pretty good right about now. Its one of those way where everything just stops. But if i wanted to... id rather not die. I would much rather be with her. I dont care how annoying she is. I dont care how loud and obnoxious she is. I dont care if she smells, or looks funny in the morning. I dont care how childish she acts. I dont care if she blames me for everything. I dont care.. I love her for who she is.. I just... want her back... If she ever left... I dont know what to do.... im useless... pathetic..... Iv'e succumb to such a low level of existence i now rely on others to make me content... but then again... havent we always relied on others to make us happy? isnt this how we all think? i dont know. I honestly dont even feel like working today. I dont see a point. On one hand, it gives me hours and money... money which i can use to move closer to her... yet on the other... if shes gone... Who am i moving close to? id have no one... perhaps that's my future... being alone. dying at an early age due to lung cancer, or intoxication. my future was never determined... yet i wish it was.... maybe i wouldnt worry so much.... well... I guess thats all for the moment.... theres more that im holding back, i just dont feel like writing anymore... Dambae.