I don't know what this blog is about to be honest. Haha, I mean, I've been REALLY anxious to write something lately, but I have a problem. This "problem" consists of not being able to focus my thoughts into one complete idea. Now a days I have way too much going on in my head, it causes problems. Problems like thinking too much. To most, if not some people out there, it causes a great deal of anxiety and distress. So with all that said, let me try my best to sort all that out for the record.
So here I am. In Florida still. It's been 2 years since I've dropped out of school with high hopes of moving on with my life. Instead, my life has had a seemingly opposite affect of my past ambitions. Here I now am, stuck working at a minimum wage job, with a nearly impossible goal. Whats this NEW goal you ask me? simple, Go to Canada, go to school, finish school, go to japan, live there for a few months, come back, live life. Travel if I'm even capable of doing so. At this point in my life, this seems like only a dream. Recently, my father proposed to me that he would help pay for my schooling and my moving over to Canada. I honestly don't think he'll pull through with his word. He never does. But AH! such a minute thought. School never was important to me because it never presented itself as something I could deem as important. In more ways than one, it has failed me. But in retrospect, would it make me content? I know for sure, I would attend school, not out of the sake of learning, but for the same reason as High School. That being just to get it out of the way. I guess one of the reasons that I dislike it so much is basically because I'm conforming with something that I don't feel like conforming to. It's pretty annoying.
I recently read through a few old poems I wrote back in '05, and wow. As bad as my handwriting and grammar was, the things I wrote could easily relate to my situations now. I believe I wrote something like "living in a waking dream, where nothings gets done nor accomplished." Haha, ironically enough, I was an optimistic emo, but for the wrong reasons I suppose. I had the right Idea; apathy was always the key. But being apathetic, is easier said than done. It's hard not to give a shit when the world around you seems to fall out of place. Sometimes I wonder what it's all worth, if I would survive, if things would change. There's just this strong sense of nostalgia while I think because, in the long run, I just feel like only yesterday I just started high school, and now here I am, stuck in a rut. I guess the reason for that is because I've been listening to a lot of music I used to listen to back in the day, and it brings back a lot of memories. Am I really living a dream? will I wake up? Do I want to wake up? I don't know. I just want things to make sense. I just want to KNOW what I'm doing. I guess I just want to understand.
Hah sorry about that, I just re-read what I wrote and to me it makes no sense at ALL! ah! I guess I'm not ready to blog about this yet. I'll be posting some old poems I wrote. I'll put up one poem per post.
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