untitled [1]

Why. why does love do this to me... Just tears me apart from everything else. I feel like I lost it today. Lost the one I love.. I dont even know why.. It just hurts me. A lot. I dont even know what it is. Everything is just so blurred. I dont know what to do. I feel like i just fell, or was dropped, somewhere, in the unsuspecting abyss that is my heart. It's empty.. It only knows one thing. And that's her. I dont understand... Maybe.. humans are indeed difficult creatures to trust. Theres nothing I can do or say anymore... Im powerless. I dont know, if shes gone... or she will come back. Tonight, i dont feel like sleeping. Theres no more point to sleeping, no more point to anything anymore.. without her, theres nothing for me. And as much as that doesnt logically make sense, thats what my mind is forced to think. There's no denying it.. she meant a lot to me. still does. her words rip through me like damp, wet paper.. Everything she says i take in with such meaning, despite that i know, logically, shes being ridiculous. I dont know. I dont know anything anymore.. Whats the point of work, whats the point of getting up early? whats the purpose of life if you can't even enjoy it? I want to. I want to enjoy it with her. All i ever wanted, was just to be happy. With her, I was. I now feel as if that is fading... and now I am no longer left with anything to hold on to. Nothing but my useless self. I'm not contemplating suicide, but death sounds pretty good right about now. Its one of those way where everything just stops. But if i wanted to... id rather not die. I would much rather be with her. I dont care how annoying she is. I dont care how loud and obnoxious she is. I dont care if she smells, or looks funny in the morning. I dont care how childish she acts. I dont care if she blames me for everything. I dont care.. I love her for who she is.. I just... want her back... If she ever left... I dont know what to do.... im useless... pathetic..... Iv'e succumb to such a low level of existence i now rely on others to make me content... but then again... havent we always relied on others to make us happy? isnt this how we all think? i dont know. I honestly dont even feel like working today. I dont see a point. On one hand, it gives me hours and money... money which i can use to move closer to her... yet on the other... if shes gone... Who am i moving close to? id have no one... perhaps that's my future... being alone. dying at an early age due to lung cancer, or intoxication. my future was never determined... yet i wish it was.... maybe i wouldnt worry so much.... well... I guess thats all for the moment.... theres more that im holding back, i just dont feel like writing anymore... Dambae.

Past Poetry: untitled (poem 1)

What if one day
we all changed
not for the better
but for the worst

How can we live
a life we once lived
to think
the thoughts we once did.

We have changed
in the blink of an eye
we have transformed
become mutants in our own liking.

But must we suffer?
why not end it all with one blade
watch as our blood hits the floor
what if

Date written: 01/31/06
I think i was a sophomore at this time. Living in Boston. If I can remember correctly, I was upset about moving away, but I believe I go in a little deeper than that.

Post 29: Complexities of the Homo-Sapien

I don't know what this blog is about to be honest. Haha, I mean, I've been REALLY anxious to write something lately, but I have a problem. This "problem" consists of not being able to focus my thoughts into one complete idea. Now a days I have way too much going on in my head, it causes problems. Problems like thinking too much. To most, if not some people out there, it causes a great deal of anxiety and distress. So with all that said, let me try my best to sort all that out for the record.

So here I am. In Florida still. It's been 2 years since I've dropped out of school with high hopes of moving on with my life. Instead, my life has had a seemingly opposite affect of my past ambitions. Here I now am, stuck working at a minimum wage job, with a nearly impossible goal. Whats this NEW goal you ask me? simple, Go to Canada, go to school, finish school, go to japan, live there for a few months, come back, live life. Travel if I'm even capable of doing so. At this point in my life, this seems like only a dream. Recently, my father proposed to me that he would help pay for my schooling and my moving over to Canada. I honestly don't think he'll pull through with his word. He never does. But AH! such a minute thought. School never was important to me because it never presented itself as something I could deem as important. In more ways than one, it has failed me. But in retrospect, would it make me content? I know for sure, I would attend school, not out of the sake of learning, but for the same reason as High School. That being just to get it out of the way. I guess one of the reasons that I dislike it so much is basically because I'm conforming with something that I don't feel like conforming to. It's pretty annoying.

I recently read through a few old poems I wrote back in '05, and wow. As bad as my handwriting and grammar was, the things I wrote could easily relate to my situations now. I believe I wrote something like "living in a waking dream, where nothings gets done nor accomplished." Haha, ironically enough, I was an optimistic emo, but for the wrong reasons I suppose. I had the right Idea; apathy was always the key. But being apathetic, is easier said than done. It's hard not to give a shit when the world around you seems to fall out of place. Sometimes I wonder what it's all worth, if I would survive, if things would change. There's just this strong sense of nostalgia while I think because, in the long run, I just feel like only yesterday I just started high school, and now here I am, stuck in a rut. I guess the reason for that is because I've been listening to a lot of music I used to listen to back in the day, and it brings back a lot of memories. Am I really living a dream? will I wake up? Do I want to wake up? I don't know. I just want things to make sense. I just want to KNOW what I'm doing. I guess I just want to understand.

Hah sorry about that, I just re-read what I wrote and to me it makes no sense at ALL! ah! I guess I'm not ready to blog about this yet. I'll be posting some old poems I wrote. I'll put up one poem per post.