Post 29: Complexities of the Homo-Sapien

I don't know what this blog is about to be honest. Haha, I mean, I've been REALLY anxious to write something lately, but I have a problem. This "problem" consists of not being able to focus my thoughts into one complete idea. Now a days I have way too much going on in my head, it causes problems. Problems like thinking too much. To most, if not some people out there, it causes a great deal of anxiety and distress. So with all that said, let me try my best to sort all that out for the record.

So here I am. In Florida still. It's been 2 years since I've dropped out of school with high hopes of moving on with my life. Instead, my life has had a seemingly opposite affect of my past ambitions. Here I now am, stuck working at a minimum wage job, with a nearly impossible goal. Whats this NEW goal you ask me? simple, Go to Canada, go to school, finish school, go to japan, live there for a few months, come back, live life. Travel if I'm even capable of doing so. At this point in my life, this seems like only a dream. Recently, my father proposed to me that he would help pay for my schooling and my moving over to Canada. I honestly don't think he'll pull through with his word. He never does. But AH! such a minute thought. School never was important to me because it never presented itself as something I could deem as important. In more ways than one, it has failed me. But in retrospect, would it make me content? I know for sure, I would attend school, not out of the sake of learning, but for the same reason as High School. That being just to get it out of the way. I guess one of the reasons that I dislike it so much is basically because I'm conforming with something that I don't feel like conforming to. It's pretty annoying.

I recently read through a few old poems I wrote back in '05, and wow. As bad as my handwriting and grammar was, the things I wrote could easily relate to my situations now. I believe I wrote something like "living in a waking dream, where nothings gets done nor accomplished." Haha, ironically enough, I was an optimistic emo, but for the wrong reasons I suppose. I had the right Idea; apathy was always the key. But being apathetic, is easier said than done. It's hard not to give a shit when the world around you seems to fall out of place. Sometimes I wonder what it's all worth, if I would survive, if things would change. There's just this strong sense of nostalgia while I think because, in the long run, I just feel like only yesterday I just started high school, and now here I am, stuck in a rut. I guess the reason for that is because I've been listening to a lot of music I used to listen to back in the day, and it brings back a lot of memories. Am I really living a dream? will I wake up? Do I want to wake up? I don't know. I just want things to make sense. I just want to KNOW what I'm doing. I guess I just want to understand.

Hah sorry about that, I just re-read what I wrote and to me it makes no sense at ALL! ah! I guess I'm not ready to blog about this yet. I'll be posting some old poems I wrote. I'll put up one poem per post.

Post 21: Time is irrelavent

Firstly, I would like to take this opportunity to apologize for my delay. I've noticed it has been a while since I've posted anything at all, especially the events I said I would post (the ones of her arrival). But that time is long since gone and so now I might as well fill you in on what is occurring as of now.

Quite a bit has changed with me since I last remember writing here. For starters, got rehired at the place I hate the most. To be honest though, I don't really "hate" the place as much as I would dislike it. It's simply the nonprofessional attitude of the whole place tends to throw me off key thus making me feel apathetic about my current employment. I have also tried and failed at many attempts of obtaining another job, but during this "economic crisis" the probability of success is probably below 30%. So, while I'm still trying, I have also bought a new laptop capable of achieving many tasks required from me (although I am still awaiting my version of photoshop cs3, since cs2 doesn't work on Vista). The computer itself isn't that bad, It's actually rather decent. But it's already day 2 of me using it and I'm beginning to have problems already. Perhaps it's the usage of windows Vista that is the source of this problem. I was thinking about installing Ubuntu as an alternative operating system, but we'll have to see about that. Aside from buying a laptop and working somewhere where I deem pointless, comes a bigger factor in my life. This such unknown factor requires me to make a huge if not necessary move to change my life and how I live.... FOREVER! (dun dun dun).

I suppose I'll update on my "big plan" in later blogs but as for now, those are all the physical changes which took place during my absence from blogging. As for my mental aspects, it seems that I took a much more introspective approach on the world around me. I've been watching quite a lot of videos and reading a lot of excerpts from well renown, and even unheard of, philosophers from around the world. It seems that the subject of philosophy, metaphysics, and any other alternative thinking interests me a great deal, I just... don't know how to really approach it in the future. All I know upon that topic is I am still learning, and thus continue learning and never stop, for it's a never ending process with the "limit of infinity".

Well, I suppose that's all I have to say for now (since my thought process went A.D.D on me and all), but I will remember to blog sometime soon! besides, It's interesting to read these after a prolonged period of time and see what was going on in my life at this particular time (: kind of like building your own history through the perspective and writing of yourself! Quite an intriguing concept. After all, what else would be done of personal blogs if not documenting personal history?

(: